Thursday, November 5, 2009

This Thanksgiving...

We found the cutest girl scarecrows to decorate the girls' graves for Thanksgiving.  They turned out super cute with big sunflowers in their vases!

Thanksgiving is a hard holiday for me.  What is there to be thankful for?  I can't see my daughters, talk to them, hear them...  Bree died two years ago, right before thanksgiving.  We didn't even do a Thanksgiving that year.  We ran away.  I remember eating at a McDonald's in Vegas on our way somewhere that was away from where we were.  I love that memory though.  I love that I wasn't thankful and I didn't celebrate that year.  My way of saying whatever, screw you to the universe, God, everything.
I am to a point now where I can be thankful for some things.  And of course, I was always thankful for our nurses, family, and certain people who made a difference.  But thankfulness is a place you have to get to and it has taken me a long time and it's still going to take me a long time.  I am thankful for my husband and son and that they are alive with me.  I am still not always thankful I am alive.  I am thankful for the good times I had with my girls - when they were not suffering and dying.  I am thankful that Bree slept in my arms every night of her life.  I am thankful that Chloee had something that looked like me in her.
But I am not thankful they died and they suffered.  How could a parent ever be thankful for that?  If someone tells me that, they are just bassackwards.
This Thanksgiving, we are heading out of town.  I will spend it with tunnel vision on my son and husband... Because that is my key to thankfulness - tunnel vision - to keep from thinking about every other family I know that has their daughters alive and well and with them.