Thanksgiving is a hard holiday for me. What is there to be thankful for? I can't see my daughters, talk to them, hear them... Bree died two years ago, right before thanksgiving. We didn't even do a Thanksgiving that year. We ran away. I remember eating at a McDonald's in Vegas on our way somewhere that was away from where we were. I love that memory though. I love that I wasn't thankful and I didn't celebrate that year. My way of saying whatever, screw you to the universe, God, everything.
I am to a point now where I can be thankful for some things. And of course, I was always thankful for our nurses, family, and certain people who made a difference. But thankfulness is a place you have to get to and it has taken me a long time and it's still going to take me a long time. I am thankful for my husband and son and that they are alive with me. I am still not always thankful I am alive. I am thankful for the good times I had with my girls - when they were not suffering and dying. I am thankful that Bree slept in my arms every night of her life. I am thankful that Chloee had something that looked like me in her.
But I am not thankful they died and they suffered. How could a parent ever be thankful for that? If someone tells me that, they are just bassackwards.
This Thanksgiving, we are heading out of town. I will spend it with tunnel vision on my son and husband... Because that is my key to thankfulness - tunnel vision - to keep from thinking about every other family I know that has their daughters alive and well and with them.
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