Tonight I am missing my ChloeeBug

I suffer from depression a lot - which comes from the heartache I have over my girls' dying and leaving a hole in my heart.  Tonight I am especially missing my ChloeeBug.  I just can't get over the fact that she would be 5.  Her birthday was last month.  I keep dwelling on the things that I will just never know - her hair color and her likes and dislikes, would she be a picky eater, would she love or hate soccer and dance? would she be a daddy's girl or a mama's girl? would she dress up or be a tomboy?  what would her favorite toy be?
Of some things, I can be somewhat certain.  I know that her eyes would be blue and I think she would have been my shyest child.... quiet and sweet.  But I don't know and that is killing me.  It literally feels like a knife in my heart when I think about it.
I scrapped this page awhile ago for her called A Beautiful DayDream:

Journaling: It has been exactly 4 years 6 months and 2 weeks since you died. You sometimes feel like a beautiful daydream and sometimes it feels like a horrible nightmare without you here. You should be celebrating your 5th birthday next week, going to preschool and doing big girl things like learning to ride a bike and having playdates. Sooo many things I wonder and want to be doing with you. Instead, I daydream and can only wonder and wish that I knew and that you were here so I didn’t have to daydream about you and wonder. No matter what though, alive or dead... ...you are one
beautiful daydream
Love,
Mommy

Kit Credit: Project B
 
I've also been thinking a lot about how our lives changed forever the moment she was hospitalized.  I became a different person and my life is organized by "before Chloee" and "after Chloee".  I did a page recently using Creations by Rachael's kit Ouchies to document that:
 

Journaling: On November 15, 2005, our world was rocked and torn apart forever.  We took Chloee to the ear, nose, throat doctor that day to try to find out why she was having so many problems breathing. It was called stridorous breathing and it was so hard to see that her little body had to work so hard to breathe. They had to put a little camera down her throat to see what was wrong. We found out that she had laryngomalacia which is when the voicebox collapses on itself and causes an airway obstruction. It was so bad that they had to schedule her for surgery right then. We were scared and worried but had no idea what was ahead
of us that night. We got her bloodwork done, and left the hospital to grab a bite to eat at McDonald’s down the street. At McDonald’s, I received the phone call that rocked our world. Chloee’s bloodwork was wrong and we had to go back to the ER to get it checked. As we drove back, I had a bad feeling inside of me. And when they checked her bloodwork in the ER, they knew something was horribly, horribly wrong with her
We were admitted to the hospital that night and found out in the next days that our precious daughter had a
terminal illness. That day changed our lives forever.

On her birthday, I spent a few hours making a kit in her memory.  And tonight I decorated my blog using it.  It made me feel a little better and I'd like to give that kit out tonight as a special gift to the world in her memory :)
Here's my kit Princess Chloee:

Enjoy :)  And instead of paying for this kit, next time you hear about a sick kid or children's hospital drive, donate something!

Download Expired - it will be a Charity Kit soon!

Hugs to you :) Denise aka A Grieving Mommy