Sunday, October 10, 2010

Tonight I am missing my ChloeeBug

I suffer from depression a lot - which comes from the heartache I have over my girls' dying and leaving a hole in my heart.  Tonight I am especially missing my ChloeeBug.  I just can't get over the fact that she would be 5.  Her birthday was last month.  I keep dwelling on the things that I will just never know - her hair color and her likes and dislikes, would she be a picky eater, would she love or hate soccer and dance? would she be a daddy's girl or a mama's girl? would she dress up or be a tomboy?  what would her favorite toy be?
Of some things, I can be somewhat certain.  I know that her eyes would be blue and I think she would have been my shyest child.... quiet and sweet.  But I don't know and that is killing me.  It literally feels like a knife in my heart when I think about it.
I scrapped this page awhile ago for her called A Beautiful DayDream:

Journaling: It has been exactly 4 years 6 months and 2 weeks since you died. You sometimes feel like a beautiful daydream and sometimes it feels like a horrible nightmare without you here. You should be celebrating your 5th birthday next week, going to preschool and doing big girl things like learning to ride a bike and having playdates. Sooo many things I wonder and want to be doing with you. Instead, I daydream and can only wonder and wish that I knew and that you were here so I didn’t have to daydream about you and wonder. No matter what though, alive or dead... ...you are one
beautiful daydream
Love,
Mommy

Kit Credit: Project B
 
I've also been thinking a lot about how our lives changed forever the moment she was hospitalized.  I became a different person and my life is organized by "before Chloee" and "after Chloee".  I did a page recently using Creations by Rachael's kit Ouchies to document that:
 
Journaling: On November 15, 2005, our world was rocked and torn apart forever.  We took Chloee to the ear, nose, throat doctor that day to try to find out why she was having so many problems breathing. It was called stridorous breathing and it was so hard to see that her little body had to work so hard to breathe. They had to put a little camera down her throat to see what was wrong. We found out that she had laryngomalacia which is when the voicebox collapses on itself and causes an airway obstruction. It was so bad that they had to schedule her for surgery right then. We were scared and worried but had no idea what was ahead
of us that night. We got her bloodwork done, and left the hospital to grab a bite to eat at McDonald’s down the street. At McDonald’s, I received the phone call that rocked our world. Chloee’s bloodwork was wrong and we had to go back to the ER to get it checked. As we drove back, I had a bad feeling inside of me. And when they checked her bloodwork in the ER, they knew something was horribly, horribly wrong with her
We were admitted to the hospital that night and found out in the next days that our precious daughter had a
terminal illness. That day changed our lives forever.

On her birthday, I spent a few hours making a kit in her memory.  And tonight I decorated my blog using it.  It made me feel a little better and I'd like to give that kit out tonight as a special gift to the world in her memory :)
Here's my kit Princess Chloee:


Enjoy :)  And instead of paying for this kit, next time you hear about a sick kid or children's hospital drive, donate something!

Download Expired - it will be a Charity Kit soon!

Hugs to you :) Denise aka A Grieving Mommy

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the heartache that comes with losing a child. Thank you for this lovely kit. As I use it, I will pray that God gives you comfort.

sdwrdt said...

Thank you so much for such a beautiful kit - so sorry that you've had to experience such losses. But what a great mom you are for not letting this affect your son's love of Halloween!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this beautiful kit.

Amber Narae said...

You don't know me, but I have also lost two of my babies. I know how it is, years later you are still grieving and missing them so much it breaks your heart all over again. Your page Beautiful Daydream is beautiful and special and perfect. I, too, sit and write letters to my angel babies, and spend hours imagining what could have been... what should have been. Just hold onto the baby you have, and take full advantage of every kiss and cuddle and thank God for every moment he is yours.

sandie said...

Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute. No one can even imagine what you have been through. My prayers are with you for strength and comfort.

Anonymous said...

Hi Denise,
I am so very sorry that you are going through the most painful part of life. I too have lost a daughter of 20 years and I miss her every single day. But know that heaven is a much better place than here on earth with all the horriable thing that happen here. Besides at least your girls did not suffer a long time as my baby did (Cystic Fibrosis) I'm just very thankful that it was our Lord who took her instead of some drunk driver or child molester. I know it's hard but don't let it get to you and live for today with the ones you love, it helps you get through this, and know that you didnt say goodbye but see you latter. Love Rosemarie by the way the papers for princess chloee is not working :( my set is not complete.. Smile because you are loved.......

jill said...

thank you - i will remember your story.

sharon said...

I'm so sorry for your loss - hugs and love to you and and your family - will be thinking of you - ty for the kit ♥

Ariadne said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My eyes are damp from reading about this awful tragedy. Your scrapping is beautiful. My daughter gave us many scares including during pregnancy as I had a seizure. When I was in labor her heart stopped on each contraction. She endured 38 surgeries in 22 years. I still have her living with me, for that I am grateful. She taught me to be a stronger person. You have shared your love for that we are thankful.

Anonymous said...

Hi... sorry if my english is no so good, I just want to tell you that that little angel was so good for being in this world, that god call her to her side for stop making her sufer and let her care for her mommie from heaven...

Thank you, for sharing that help others to remember what are the really important things of life...

And thank you for the kit is really awsome.

XOXO from México D.F.

Heather said...

Thanks for this kit. I cant imagine. I dont want to. My heart breaks for you and other mothers like you. I am so sorry.

Noteable Scraps said...

Thank you for the kit! You are in my prayers.

She-She said...

Your story tears at my heart strings. I am so sorry for your loss. But at the same time as so grateful for your willingness to give back. I hope you can find hope and comfort in knowing that Families are Forever and you will once again see your daughters. In the meantime, thank you so much. I will so enjoy these kits you have put together.
recipesbysheshe.blogspot.com

Kim said...

Thank you for sharing your story and your talent. I don't even have words but may God continue to comfort you.

Mags said...

God must be having the best party up there in heaven - because he has Chloee and Bree-Elle (and my neice Julia) and my friend's son Rowan, and too many other beautiful children. I can't imagine what the endless laughter in Heaven sound like!
THANK you for this set!
:) Mags / MagsGraphics

PS - my "word verification" word for this comment is "BLING" - that matches the kit, doesn't it?! ;)

The Maddox Family - Rob and Sarah said...

Thank you for the kit. It is amazing.

andysqueen6504 said...

Thank you so much for this kit. I too have an angel and pink roses are my beautiful little reminder of her. We use a pink rose in her honor in every family picture we have. This kit couldn't be more perfect for her. I am so sorry for your losses.

((HUGS))
Melissa

deb said...

These pages are such a beautiful memory of your sweet baby. I'm so sorry for your loss.

http://graceolsson.com/blog said...

I know very weell your pain..I know...


I found u at digifree scrapbooking and came here and SIMPLY I am sorry sorry for you.

Congrats for your kits


Do u have a shop?
Grace Olsson
graceolsson.com