This Thanksgiving...

We found the cutest girl scarecrows to decorate the girls' graves for Thanksgiving.  They turned out super cute with big sunflowers in their vases!




Thanksgiving is a hard holiday for me.  What is there to be thankful for?  I can't see my daughters, talk to them, hear them...  Bree died two years ago, right before thanksgiving.  We didn't even do a Thanksgiving that year.  We ran away.  I remember eating at a McDonald's in Vegas on our way somewhere that was away from where we were.  I love that memory though.  I love that I wasn't thankful and I didn't celebrate that year.  My way of saying whatever, screw you to the universe, God, everything.
I am to a point now where I can be thankful for some things.  And of course, I was always thankful for our nurses, family, and certain people who made a difference.  But thankfulness is a place you have to get to and it has taken me a long time and it's still going to take me a long time.  I am thankful for my husband and son and that they are alive with me.  I am still not always thankful I am alive.  I am thankful for the good times I had with my girls - when they were not suffering and dying.  I am thankful that Bree slept in my arms every night of her life.  I am thankful that Chloee had something that looked like me in her.
But I am not thankful they died and they suffered.  How could a parent ever be thankful for that?  If someone tells me that, they are just bassackwards.
This Thanksgiving, we are heading out of town.  I will spend it with tunnel vision on my son and husband... Because that is my key to thankfulness - tunnel vision - to keep from thinking about every other family I know that has their daughters alive and well and with them.

Happy Halloween to my Angels

Again this year, we carved pumpkins on Halloween for the girls.  We lit them and put them out at our house this year instead of at the graves.  It made me feel a little better to have their names lit up that night as we did Halloween with our son.
Happy Halloween BumBum and Chloster...  I wish I knew what you would have been this year.  I wish we could go costume shopping.  Would you be like your brother and wear a different costume each day or have a one and only favorite one?  Would you pick princesses or witches or Wonder Woman or what?  I just wish I knew.

Sending love to you,

Mommy

Don't Go

This song was definitely not written to be a grieving song, BUT it does remind me of my daughter as she was dying from her terminal illness and leaving me.

Ready, Set, Don’t Go
Performed and written by Billy Ray Cyrus
This version is the duet with Miley Cyrus

She's got to do what she's got to do and I've got to like it or not.
She's got dreams too big for this town and she needs to give them a shot.
Wherever they are.
Looks like I'm all ready to leave with nothing left to pack.
There ain't no room for me in that car even if she asked me to tag along.
God, I got to be strong.
I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life
As ready as I've ever been.
Got the hunger and the stars in my eyes.
The prize is mine to win.
She's waiting on my blessings before she hits that open road
Well, baby, get ready,
Oh I'm ready.
Get set, don't go.
Looks things are fallen in place.
Feels like they're fallen apart.
I've painted this big old smile on my face to hide my broken heart.
If only she knew.
This is where you don't say what you want so bad to say.
This is where I want to but I won't get in the way of her and her dreams.
And spreading her wings.
My wings, fly
I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life As ready as I've ever been
Got the hunger and the stars in my eyes The prize is mine to win
She's waiting on my blessings before she hits that open road
Well, (Gotta get ready to go)baby, get ready, get set,(set) don't go
I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life As ready as I've ever been
Never be alright
Got the hunger and the stars in my eyes The prize is mine to win (I'll be okay)
She's waiting on my blessings before she hits that open road
Well, baby, get ready, (woah) get set, please don't go
Don't go, (let me go now, ready) don't do
I'll be alright, I'll be okay, know that i'll be thinkin of you, each and every day
She's got to do what she's got to do let me go now
She's got to do what she's got to do
I gotta do what I gotta do
She's got to do what she's got to do
Fly...

Quote I love

"How little remains of the (woman) I once was, save the memory of (her)! But remembering is only a new form of suffering." - Charles Baudelaire

It's Chloee's 4th Birthday...

Happy 4th Birthday Chloee
My baby girl should be 4 years old...

This year we are having a memorial birthday party at her graveside on Sunday, September 13th, 2009 the day she would have turned 4 years old.

We will have a light dinner at the graveside with cupcakes.
Then, we will be performing a random act of kindness in her memory at the cemetery.

This year, our service project is doing Random Acts of Kindness in Chloee’s memory. Please consider doing a random act of kindness in honor of Chloee this week and leaving her card. See below or www.missfoundation.org for more information.

About the Kindness Project
www.missfoundation.org

The Kindness Project began in October of 1997 as a way for families to honor their deceased child and to help themselves heal. Now, years later, more than 500,000 Kindness Project cards have been used around the world to perform random acts of kindness in memory of a child, parent, friend, or spouse who died before their time.

The idea is to perform random, usually anonymous, acts of kindness in your community. A little card is left behind so that the person who benefits from the kindness knows that someone's life and death continues to matter. This beautiful movement has helped thousands of families to heal and find positive outlets for their overwhelming grief.

The History of the Kindness Project

Joanne’s daughter, Cheyenne, died in July of 1994. It was the worst day of her life. She never imagined laughing or ever experiencing joy again.

She began to seek out ways to keep Cheyenne's memory alive to her family and to the rest of the world: She wanted to create a legacy. She wanted people to know that Cheyenne existed and, more importantly, she wanted to help change the lives of others because of her presence on this earth.

So she set out on various missions of random kindness. On a daily basis, she looked for opportunities to reach out and do something unexpected and unusually kind for someone else. Most often, strangers were the recipients of these good deeds. She began to feel a sense of peace in knowing that Cheyenne was the reason for my enlightening.

The Kindness Project blossomed out of the extraordinary experiences she had while doing things for others. Because truly miraculous things happen to our spirit when we reach out to help others, she sought a way to share that movement with others.

It is her hope that through the Kindness Project, we can make incredible transformations within our communities, in our families, and in ourselves. Just imagine if every person touched by death would participate in helping to transform the world into a gentler and more altruistic world! What an impact this would have on so many levels!

The Kindness Project reminds others that our children, and other loved ones, are so very important to us that we are willing to extend the life and love of our child and share it with others! It is a legacy that transcends death. It is a legacy of love.