Merry Christmas to Heaven

Merry Christmas girls, wherever you are. I love you

Bree-Elle's 2nd Angel Day

'God saw her growing tired, a cure not meant to be. So he wrapped His arms around her, and whispered "Come with me."'
We love you Bree.
Credits: Sabrina Dupre

This Thanksgiving...

We found the cutest girl scarecrows to decorate the girls' graves for Thanksgiving.  They turned out super cute with big sunflowers in their vases!




Thanksgiving is a hard holiday for me.  What is there to be thankful for?  I can't see my daughters, talk to them, hear them...  Bree died two years ago, right before thanksgiving.  We didn't even do a Thanksgiving that year.  We ran away.  I remember eating at a McDonald's in Vegas on our way somewhere that was away from where we were.  I love that memory though.  I love that I wasn't thankful and I didn't celebrate that year.  My way of saying whatever, screw you to the universe, God, everything.
I am to a point now where I can be thankful for some things.  And of course, I was always thankful for our nurses, family, and certain people who made a difference.  But thankfulness is a place you have to get to and it has taken me a long time and it's still going to take me a long time.  I am thankful for my husband and son and that they are alive with me.  I am still not always thankful I am alive.  I am thankful for the good times I had with my girls - when they were not suffering and dying.  I am thankful that Bree slept in my arms every night of her life.  I am thankful that Chloee had something that looked like me in her.
But I am not thankful they died and they suffered.  How could a parent ever be thankful for that?  If someone tells me that, they are just bassackwards.
This Thanksgiving, we are heading out of town.  I will spend it with tunnel vision on my son and husband... Because that is my key to thankfulness - tunnel vision - to keep from thinking about every other family I know that has their daughters alive and well and with them.

Happy Halloween to my Angels

Again this year, we carved pumpkins on Halloween for the girls.  We lit them and put them out at our house this year instead of at the graves.  It made me feel a little better to have their names lit up that night as we did Halloween with our son.
Happy Halloween BumBum and Chloster...  I wish I knew what you would have been this year.  I wish we could go costume shopping.  Would you be like your brother and wear a different costume each day or have a one and only favorite one?  Would you pick princesses or witches or Wonder Woman or what?  I just wish I knew.

Sending love to you,

Mommy

Don't Go

This song was definitely not written to be a grieving song, BUT it does remind me of my daughter as she was dying from her terminal illness and leaving me.

Ready, Set, Don’t Go
Performed and written by Billy Ray Cyrus
This version is the duet with Miley Cyrus

She's got to do what she's got to do and I've got to like it or not.
She's got dreams too big for this town and she needs to give them a shot.
Wherever they are.
Looks like I'm all ready to leave with nothing left to pack.
There ain't no room for me in that car even if she asked me to tag along.
God, I got to be strong.
I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life
As ready as I've ever been.
Got the hunger and the stars in my eyes.
The prize is mine to win.
She's waiting on my blessings before she hits that open road
Well, baby, get ready,
Oh I'm ready.
Get set, don't go.
Looks things are fallen in place.
Feels like they're fallen apart.
I've painted this big old smile on my face to hide my broken heart.
If only she knew.
This is where you don't say what you want so bad to say.
This is where I want to but I won't get in the way of her and her dreams.
And spreading her wings.
My wings, fly
I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life As ready as I've ever been
Got the hunger and the stars in my eyes The prize is mine to win
She's waiting on my blessings before she hits that open road
Well, (Gotta get ready to go)baby, get ready, get set,(set) don't go
I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life As ready as I've ever been
Never be alright
Got the hunger and the stars in my eyes The prize is mine to win (I'll be okay)
She's waiting on my blessings before she hits that open road
Well, baby, get ready, (woah) get set, please don't go
Don't go, (let me go now, ready) don't do
I'll be alright, I'll be okay, know that i'll be thinkin of you, each and every day
She's got to do what she's got to do let me go now
She's got to do what she's got to do
I gotta do what I gotta do
She's got to do what she's got to do
Fly...